


Vampires of Romsford

by bygoshbygolly



Category: Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 02:31:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12902058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bygoshbygolly/pseuds/bygoshbygolly
Summary: Dagless and the gang have to save Darkplace (again) when a vampire shows up to make trouble.





	Vampires of Romsford

**Author's Note:**

  * For [weakinteraction](https://archiveofourown.org/users/weakinteraction/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide!

Things were looking up for Dr. Rick Dagless, MD. There was a foxy new receptionist in A&E, he’d just been named Doctor Monthly’s Doctor of the Month for the eighth month running, and the canteen had given him double pudding. Also, he hadn’t had to deal with anything occult in a week.

Of course, this was Darkplace, where evil lurked under every hospital bed. A scream tore through the air like an overeager child tearing open a bag of crisps. Rick broke into a run—someone needed his help.

When he got to the room the scream had come from, he found one of the cleaning ladies blubbing at the sight of a man on the floor. Rick immediately went to check the man’s vitals. He was dead, the poor bastard. No heartbeat, no breathing, and no blood. The man was dry as an old flannel.

“What happened here?” Rick demanded. 

“There was a man,” the woman sobbed. “I came in to empty the bedpans and there was a man with blood all over his face, and he-“ she pointed at the body “was just lying there.”

A man with blood all over his face? That was odd.

“Here now, sweetheart, wipe your face,” said Rick, handing her a hankie. “What happened to the other bloke?”

“Thank you, Doctor.” The woman blew her nose. “That’s the thing- he turned into a bat and flew right off!”

If a man with blood all over his face was odd, turning into a bat was downright weird. Luckily, Rick had an idea just what was going on.

“Sounds like a vampire,” he said. Outside Darkplace, there was a crack of thunder.

 

“Dagless! Thank god you’re here!” Thornton Reed slammed the phone receiver on his desk, then back into its cradle. “That was Won Ton, and he said he’d shut this whole bloody place down if we don’t find out why a patient’s been completely sucked dry!”

“Lucky guy,” Dr. Lucien Sanchez quipped. Reed pointed a finger at him.

“This is no laughing matter, Sanch! There wasn’t a drop of blood left in that man, and nobody has any ruddy idea what happened!"

“I’m afraid I have an idea,” said Rick. “A vampire.”

“Vampire!” Liz looked shocked. “Are you sure? Only, I thought they only existed in cheap romances.”

“Your reading taste is none of my business, Liz,” replied Rick. “But vampires are definitely real. They’re evil, bloodsucking fiends who can turn into wolves or bats.”

“Eurgh, I hate bats.” Sanchez made a face. “Disgusting winged vermin.”

“Precisely, Sanch. Vampires are like vermin, and I think there’s one here in Darkplace.”

“Now, hang on a bally minute!” Reed put his hands on his hips. “I know we’ve had some weird business lately, what with Liz going all psycho and your freak eyeball son, but why do you always think it’s something occult?”

“Damn it!” Rick slapped Reed’s desk in a way that conveyed not only authority on all things occult, but also hinted at the kind of inner pain that made women swoon. “I know what I’m talking about, Reed. There’s a vamp on the loose, and I’m not just talking about the new receptionist in A&E.”

“Mmm,” Reed and Sanchez nodded in unison. Liz put her hands on her hips and huffed, because she was a woman and everyone knows women hate it when you find other women more attractive than them.

“Plus, the cleaning lady who found the patient said she’d seen a man with blood on his face who turned into a bat,” Rick added.

“Well, that makes sense,” said Liz, crossing her arms and nodding.

“All right, Dagless.” Reed put his hands on his desk and leaned forward. “If it’ll stop patients from ending up as withered and dry as Liz here, I’ll let you do your thing. Now what’s the plan?”

“Who says I have a plan?” Rick looked cocky and amused.

“Don’t play coy, Dag.” Sanchez bumped their elbows together. “You always have a plan. That’s why you’re the best.”

“You’re right,” replied Rick. “I do have a plan. Basically, one of us, probably Liz, lures the vampire into a trap. Then, Sanch and I will stake him through the heart. That’s a surefire way to kill a vamp.”

“That’s crazy!” Liz exclaimed.

“It is, Liz.” Rick raised an eyebrow. “So crazy, in fact, that it just might work.”

 

It was a good plan. Unfortunately, things went off the rails before they could set it in motion. Rick had just ducked into the lav to splash some water on his bits, freshen up, when he heard a short shriek and a dull thud. Ordinarily, he’d ignore it—you get some strange sounds in hospitals—but this time he decided to check it out. And a good thing, too.

The noise had come from the room across the way, a storage cupboard of some sorts. Inside the cupboard was a man. The man looked at Rick. He had blood around its mouth, or possibly jam, raspberry if Rick knew his jams (and he did), but almost definitely blood. The man was crouched over that hot new receptionist. Her throat was covered in red. Either Rick had stumbled onto some jam-obsessed perverts, or he’d just found the vampire.

Rick grabbed the crucifix and stake he kept in his coat pocket and held them up. 

“Begone, foul demon of the night!” he cried, and lunged forward to stake the bitey bloodsucking bastard. The vampire hissed. Suddenly, he was a bat. The vampire tried to barrel past Rick out the door, but Rick was too fast for him. With his lightning-fast reflexes, Rick swung the stake and bashed the bat over the head, knocking it to the floor. Then, he staked it. 

The receptionist groaned and he turned back. He knew what he had to do. He was a doctor.

 

“Good job killing that vampire, Dag,” said Reed. He nodded approvingly at Rick.

“Yes, and thank you for not making me be bait,” Liz added.

“It’s all part of the job,” said Rick, as modest as anything. Just because he was the best damn doctor in the place _and_ an expert in the occult didn’t mean he was arrogant. “I’m just glad I was able to save the receptionist.”

“Yes, how is she doing?” asked Sanchez. “Perhaps I should pay her a visit, make sure she’s ok.”

“That’s kind of you, Sanch, but she’s going to be fine. I administered CPR and was able to get the blood back into her body.”

The phone rang. Reed picked it up.

“Uh huh. Yes. Oh dear. All right.” He put the phone back. “Bad news, chaps and Liz. Apparently, the new receptionist has started levitating and turned all the orderlies into her slaves.”

“Damn it.” Rick clenched a fist. “I should have seen it. He wasn’t just drinking her blood; he was turning her into a queen.”

“Oh dear,” said Liz. “Is that bad?” 

“I’m afraid so, Liz,” he replied. “A vampire queen possesses the kind of psychic power that makes your last tantrum look like a cat’s fart, if you’ll pardon my language. She can enslave people with a mere thought.”

“That sounds serious.” Sanch was frowning.

“It’s more than serious, Sanch. It’s deadly.” Rick’s voice was graver than a cemetery at midnight.

“Well, what in the flipping hell are we going to do, then?” Reed never panicked, he was too hard a man for that, but he was definitely concerned. Probably didn’t want to face Won Ton if the whole situation went tits up. Rick didn’t blame him.

“The only thing we can do,” replied Rick. “Fight back.”

 

Liz, Sanchez, and Rick slammed the door to the Rectory behind them.

“We’ll be safe here,” declared Rick. “Vampires can’t stand crosses. They make them angry.”

“What, you mean it makes them cross?” asked Liz with a smile. The three of them laughed for a moment.

“Now’s not the time for jokes, Liz.” Rick reprimanded.

“You’re right,” she said. “I’m sorry. I’m just a bit shaken from having to kill those poor nurses.”

“You’ve got a soft heart, Liz, but you’re going to need to toughen up if you want to survive today. Those nurses were being controlled by the queen; you did what you had to.” Rick clapped Liz’s arm. She smiled bravely.

“You did them a favor, really,” said Sanchez, putting his hand on her shoulder. Liz frowned and shrugged him off.

“Ah, welcome,” said the Padre, coming in from the next room. “What can I do for you today?”

“The hospital’s been overrun by vamps, Padre,” said Rick. “There’s a queen in our midst and we need to destroy her.”

“Oh dear.” The Padre shook his head. “One moment; I just might have something to help.” He rummaged around behind the sofa, and pulled up a briefcase, which he then set on the table. Then he opened it. The contents of the briefcase glowed with a faint holy light. “The Lord provides,” he said.

“Holy water grenades and crucifix stakes? Talk about the Holy Grail!” exclaimed Sanchez, very obviously impressed. 

“Thanks, Padre,” said Rick, shoving several grenades in his pocket and grabbing a stake in each hand. “This should do the trick.”

“You are very welcome.” The Padre dipped his head. “Godspeed, Dagless.”

 

They stood outside the nest. The vampire queen was a horrible sight, floating above her hospital bed and cackling as the rest of the hospital staff bowed to her.

“My god,” breathed Sanchez. He shifted, drawing his coat over the front of his trousers.

“Remember,” warned Rick. “Don’t look her in the eye, or she’ll have you quicker than you can say ‘Vampire’.”

“Right,” Liz and Sanchez said. The three of them squeezed their eyes tight shut.

With a yell, they charged into the room. Liz lobbed a holy water grenade and vaporized two porters. Sanchez threw a crucifix stake, spearing a patient and sending the chef into such a rage he attacked Dr. Wayne from Radiology. Rick, with unerring accuracy, staked two patients at once before dousing half the kitchen staff in holy water. The vampire queen screeched with rage.

“Stop it!” she shouted. “Everyone, just stop it!”

Luckily for Rick and the gang, she only had control over her slaves. They froze, and Rick, Liz, and Sanchez were able to kill a few more. Unluckily, with everyone’s eyes shut, they ended up splashing holy water on each other, causing their eyes to open in surprise. 

The vampire queen made eye contact with Sanchez, and he fell to his knees, utterly under her spell. Rick whipped out a spare stake he had tucked into his trousers, and slammed it toward her heart. Quickly, her head whirled around, and her eyes caught his. His hand halted above her chest, shaking. Gamely, he fought to break through her control, but for some reason he couldn’t finish her off. For a moment, it looked like he might be toast.

“Hey!” Liz yelled. “Why don’t you try picking on someone your own size?” The queen looked at her, and she held up a cross. The queen hissed, and then screamed as Rick shoved the stake into her chest. She died and turned into a pile of dust. Good riddance.

“Thanks, Liz,” said Rick. 

“Of course, Rick,” said Liz. “We couldn’t just let her take over the hospital.”

“That’s right, Liz,” said Sanchez, getting back up. “Now, let’s get back to Reed so he can call someone to clean up this mess.”

 

“Well done, gang!” Reed poured several glasses of brandy. “Won Ton is so pleased you defeated the vampire queen that he only chewed half my ass for having to rehire half the hospital staff.”

“Well, it’s our job to save asses,” replied Rick. They all chuckled and had a swig of brandy. “I couldn’t have done it without Liz here, though, and I never thought I’d say that.”

The men laughed while Liz rolled her eyes fondly. 

“Oh, you,” she said. “You’ve saved my life so many times. I thought I would return the favor.”

“To Dagless!” toasted Reed.

“To Dagless!” the others replied. Rick smiled modestly. They were all heroes today. Mostly him, of course, but they’d all done their parts.

 

Rick stood on the hospital roof, his thinking place, and thought. Mainly he thought about appearances, and how they could be deceiving. Like how a bat could really be a man, and that man could really be a vampire. Or how a sexy receptionist suddenly looked a lot less sexy when she was a vampire queen and also wasn’t wearing any makeup. Or how a woman like Liz could really come through sometimes, when she tried. Or even how a seemingly normal hospital like Darkplace could actually be a gate to the occult.

Yes, you couldn’t always believe your eyes. Sometimes you had to trust your gut as well. Or your other senses, whichever ones gave you the right answer. Sometimes it was your eyes. Sometimes it wasn’t. The world was a cruel and confusing place. Much like the proverbial box of chocolates, one never knew what they were going to get. Usually it was cherry cordial, commonly agreed to be the worst chocolate in existence. Every now and then, though, you got milk chocolate: fairly dull, but sweet. Like Liz.

Rick looked out as the sun set over Romford. He’d done well today, but who knew what horrors lurked in the shadows of tomorrow?


End file.
